Month 2, Day 1—Wanting What We Can’t Have

I think women are really funny creatures.

Maybe I generalize too much, but after all, I am a women.  So I guess I should say I am a very funny creature. 

Right now there is a guy who certainly likes me.  He seems great and I’d love to get to know him, but here is the problem.  He works with me. 

My ex worked with me.   While we were in the relationship, we had no problems maintaining a professional relationship at work and being more outside of work.  In fact, the relationship went great because we could always mutually bitch about work and the other would be able to sympathize.  It was only until we broke up that things got weird.  It’s not that things are bad; we don’t fight or anything of the sort.  Instead, he just avoids me when we’re out together which is even more annoying.  Take this weekend for example: I went out for a friend’s going away party and another friend’s birthday party and my ex was there.  It seemed like every time I walked up to the same group of people he was in, he moved to another group trying to avoid me. 

This childlike behavior bothers me.  Luckily, my ex doesn’t really get a long with most of the people at the hotel, so he doesn’t make many appearances at social gatherings, but the whole experience has made me swear off people I work with as people I’d like to get to know more intimately. 

And of course, enter this new guy.

I know I shouldn’t get involved.  I know it’s not smart of me to do because of all the potential problems it could create.  Even more, a girl I know at work actually really likes this guy while I just have a small interest in him. 

And to top it all off—I have two other guys in the picture who are in no way related to work, as equally as foxy, and who seem genuinely interested in getting to know me…

So why is it that I only want to see the guy I work with?

This is why I say women are funny creatures.  We always want what is not good for us or what we know we can’t have.  Why is that?  Why is it that we love to put ourselves in positions that will only cause us trouble? 

I said that throughout this blog, I would be exploring my past relationships as a way to understand more about myself.  So, lets explore the wonderful relationship that was The Bad Boy.

I should have known better.  I met The Bad Boy while I had been dating someone else, and ended that other relationship because I wanted him. We played the whole “friends with benefits” game for a while.  And truly, that’s all it was until it became more.  I knew he was bad news from the beginning, he was into drugs and wasn’t the best student, but he was hot and just completely wrong for me.

And I loved that.  We continued to be “just friends” until about six months into our ‘relationship’ another girl tried to get with him.  The whole experience made me do something I would never do, confront this girl and shake her back.  The Bad Boy and I had a big talk about it, and I convinced him to begin dating me officially.  My most fierce and fabulous best friend told me I should never have to convince someone to be with me… But again, I should have known that I could do better than this.

Then came the turning point of our relationship.  He got arrested for drugs and I became his rock in his time of trouble.  I was stable and a caring person and instead of ending the relationship like I should have, I chose to do what was bad for me and stay with someone who didn’t really want to be with me in the first place.

But again, I choose not to think of it that way.  He lived in the same city and went to the same college as me, but after his arrest had to move back to his hometown. We decided to get into a long distance relationship. 

Of course, the relationship ended.  Not before I went crazy with anxiety because he would never answer my phone calls.  We were in this up and down long distance relationship for about a year—I would forgive him for not answering my calls even though it was literally making me nuts.  Because I wanted what I couldn’t have, I kept doing what was bad for me. 

And of course, a few weeks after we broke up he was in another relationship with a new girl. 

I put myself through all of this shit and grief because I just wanted this guy to like me who didn’t really want to be with me… and why? 

Now this relationship is different than this new guy I want to see.  He genuinely wants to hang out with me, but for someone who’s supposed to be spending the year staying single going out with someone I may grow to like probably isn’t a good thing.  I know this isn’t what I want but it’s hard to stop myself from wanting it.

… On Month 2, day 1 I’m writing to tell myself to stop wanting what I shouldn’t have.   Or, at least, I’m trying to tell myself that.

Day 28-- Looking Back on the First Month

As January has begun to melt away, the cosmos decided to grace Dallas with the most beautiful, amazing weather today.  I loved it.  I had missed it.  The way the bright rays of sunshine felt on my now slightly pale skin (I mean, I’m Mexican… I don’t REALLY get pale) just caused me to reflect on this new chapter in my life.

20love has already been the most life-changing year of my life so far and I’m only one month into it. 

As crazy as it sounds, that statement is completely and utterly true.  If you would have told the me of January 28, 2010 that this would be where my life is going, I would say you are crazy.  My plan has been the same since I was little and I am going to accomplish it no matter what.  I would have scoffed at the idea of not being in a monogamous relationship and probably staying in a relationship that would work because of what I put into it, but not getting what I truly needed because I was too scared of being alone.

But now—I look at that person and I have to marvel at how starkly I have changed my life.  My decisions to forgo my chosen career path and start on the new journey of the hotel industry and my choice to stop letting relationships define me have made me so much stronger. 

I’ve been meeting a lot with my dad (He’s actually in management at the hotel I currently work in) and he’s been giving me a lot of great advice on what I can do to succeed.  I think it’s going to be wonderful for our relationship for me to get involved in this industry.  For a while, my dad and I’s relationship has been less that it should be—it has never been estranged or bad in anyway, but when we see each other we have limited things to talk about.  My sister and him have sports and television shows that they both watch and rave about together.  Now, my dad and I have this.  We talk about the hotel, or food, wine—and it’s been great to start to respect my dad in a whole other way.  One reason why 20love has been great so far.

I also talked with my direct boss today about my desire to stay at the hotel past when I originally told him and he was very, very excited about my choice.  Our conversation left me feeling like I had certainly made the right choice because his enthusiasm about the potential he sees in me makes me want to dream big.  His story is similar to mine because he began his career as a server and is now the food and beverage director for our sports club.  He thinks with the right training I have all the tools necessary to accomplish great things.

But, to accompany all this great positivity, is some negativity.  I did not win employee of the month.  That sucks, but really I don’t need a piece of paper to know I’m doing a great job.  The employee who won has been working for the company for years and I know I have the potential to do great things in the years to come!

20love has also been amazing because of my freedom to stop worrying about relationships.  One of my Peruvian princesses was seeing this guy before she left for Peru and they broke up when she came here.  But, now that her arrival back to Peru gets closer and closer, the two have started talking again.  Some days, things are great and then the guy won’t call her when he says he will or he won’t invite her to something he’s going to and it crushes her.  She gets very upset and distracted and it hurts me to see her so worked up about it.

But I look at her and I think—that was me.  Looking back at the me in 2010, I was so concerned that this one person needs to pay attention to me and if he didn’t it made me so upset.  I would cry, be anxious, and just worry so much that it would take away from my happiness and positivity if they were ignoring me. 

The me of 20love says that’s ridiculous.  These rules are really helping me stay single and be okay with the fact people may not want to see me. Speaking of the rules… I got into a disagreement with my most fierce and fabulous best friend regarding Rule Three.  This rule explains that it’s up to the guy I go out with to call me or contact me if he wants to see me again.  My Fierce and Fabulous Best Friend told me it was unfair because it made me seem elitist, like I’m so wonderful and awesome that you need to call me if I can see you.

For me though, that’s not what it is.  Example: I went out with this guy this week and it went amazingly.  He was charming, good looking, and we really hit it off.  In fact, he even kissed me at the end of the date so I assumed I would be hearing from him. But, days went on and while the me of the past would have called and already asked this guy out again, 20love me just didn’t care either way.  I don’t need this guy in my life so badly that I need to call him… I have plenty of friends already and don’t need to get so worked up over one date.  This year is about choosing guys that I don’t have to work so hard to hang out with.  For so long I’ve chosen these guys that “play hard to get” and I fall for it every time.  I don’t want anything serious or difficult right now—I just want fun.  Taking this carefree attitude about it, I just ignored it and stayed positive.  Sure enough, today he called me and through the conversation we realized that he had texted me twice this week already and I just hadn’t received them and had called me to see if I was still interested.  Funny how things like that work.

All and all, the changes that happened in 2011 have been some of the most positive and rewarding experiences.  I’m excited to see what the rest of this whirlwind year will bring.  But as the sun set and I was jamming to the radio in my car with the windows down, the wind tossing my hair around, I can honestly say that I am so confident in my choice to change.  So on day 28, to make me happy I reflect and look forward to the future. 

Day 24-- Coming to Decisions

20love have been an interesting year for me in so many ways.  Not only is it the year I’ve decided to change my life and do something that challenges me when it comes to my relationships, but I’ve also been realizing some other things about my life in general.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be an attorney.  I wanted to be Sam McCoy on Law and Order and fight for justice!  Soon, my passion for justice morphed into me wanting to get into politics and fight for the little person, changing the lives of many people who are forgotten in our legal system.

And while all of these ideas have been my dream for the longest time—for whatever reason I am not sure these are my dreams any more.

I applied to graduate school at George Mason University in December for Public Policy.  I’m still waiting to here back from them.  I hate waiting for things like this. 

Regardless, throughout the waiting process, I’ve begun to think about a lot of things when it comes to my career.  Right now, I’m working at the Four Seasons Hotel in Dallas and have found a niche there I really enjoy.  The company is awesome to work for.  Not only do they have amazing benefits, but the chain exists in 72 different countries stretched all over the globe in exotic and historical locations. 

Recently, I’ve been doing such a baller job with my restaurant that they’ve offered me a promotion into management over the summer, and I was recently nominated to be the employee of the month for January (I’ll find out on the 27 if I make it!!)  Even cooler, the Executive Board of Members for the Club recently singled me out as a key factor in changing the way customers view my restaurant and how positively Racquets has changed.

I don’t know if it’s because this industry is in my blood since my dad is a higher up in the hotel or if it just comes naturally to me, but I know I am good at working in a hotel.  Not only good—but I rock it out.  I actually enjoy going to work every day… and I work at 6:45 in the morning most days.  How many early twenty-something’s can actually say that about their jobs?  Nothing makes me feel better than when it’s a particularly long, grueling day where people can’t stop going to eat and once you reach close time, you realized service went off without a hitch and everyone who came in received the type of service they expect from a company like the Four Seasons. 

Now continuing my education is a different story.  I know I am good at school, I proved that in my undergrad, but one thing I am not good at is standardized testing.   The LSAT, in particular.  When I took the test, I did not do anywhere near what I was expecting, and although I did not study as much as I wanted to, the people who make the test say your scores can only improve a maximum of ten points.  The LSAT made me an anxiety filled mess, and the thought of taking it again to only get the same score would cause me to reach critical anxiety level status. 

In the end, when I think about why I had the dream to become an attorney/ politician when I was in school, I wanted to do those things so I could get money to travel and see the world.  Sure, I also wanted to help people, but traveling and seeing all of the history I studied in school was something I knew I wanted to do. 

The best thing about the Four Seasons is they are located in so many parts of the world.  Once you work for the company for a year, you may put in transfer to any property they have an opening in: Cairo, Thailand, London, Australia—all these places are at my fingertips if I stay with the hotel.  Not only that, but your get free nights at any of the hotels (which increase the longer you stay with the company!) and half off on all food and beverage! I mean LOOK at the places I'll get to go!

Four Seasons Cairo

Four Seasons Thailand

Four Seasons London

Four Seasons Sydney

If I choose to continue with my education, I’d have to wait another five years before I started to make an income… But even then it probably wouldn’t be enough to travel anywhere on because of the massive amounts of loans I would have to pay for law school… Not to mention the long hours spent at work.  I want to enjoy my twenties—and the work I will continue to do beyond them—and I’m pretty certain in order to do that I need to change the path I had always laid out for myself and commit to a career in hotels rather than pursue continuing my education. 

Some people may think I am settling, and maybe I am; but the thought of getting to go anywhere I’ve read about and get paid to do something I love doing makes me so much happier than the thought of me spending the years I’m supposed to live stuck in a library.  I know I can do this hotel thing, and I know I have the ambition and drive to get into higher levels of management.  I’m a person who likes to be the best at whatever they do, and now that I’m certain I’m going to do this for my job, I am going to be the best worker the F-season’s has ever seen.

So, in order to make me happy on day 24 in 20love, I’m deciding to change my dreams and what I want out of life.  

Day 18-- Polyamory

So I’ve begun reading some articles on different types of orientations, trying to figure out a little bit more about the different types of love available in the world.  I think getting a better understanding of how love works is something that someone like myself needs to understand in order to comprehend what would make me happy in the end when it comes to the dreaded love word.

I’ve always had this deep underlying fear to commit in my relationships-- I take it back, because with my last relationship I briefly considered plunging into the throws of a very serious commitment to him due to circumstances beyond our control (I.E. He was here on a visa for a year and had to move back home), but I convinced myself I was supposed to be with him because our whirl wind romance was the exact same story as my parents who are still happily married to this day.  (I.E. My mom was here on a visa and worked in the United States at a hotel where my dad worked, they fell in love, and within a year got married—my mom being the same age as I was).  I thought I was supposed to embrace this as a sign of the cosmos, because I had never loved quite like this before… it seemed right… perfect even. Regardless, when the commitment talk happened, it ultimately doomed the relationship, taking it from something that was supposed to be casual and fun and turning it into something dark and dramatic. 

And the commitment talk ALWAYS does this.  It creeps in, like a sexy True Blood vampire, and sucks everything good about a relationship out.  Well, at least my relationships.  I usually spend a year with someone, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, and then around this point a commitment talk is necessary because:

A.) A new person has entered the equation and one of you needs to get out. 

B.) One person is talking about taking things to the next level and the other person needs to peace. 

Or C.) The way the relationship is going isn’t making someone involved fully happy.

For some people, we ignore these concerns at the year mark and continue with the relationships—getting married, having kids.  Sometimes the commitment talk works… but I just don’t feel it’s working for me.

And maybe it’s the whole concept of commitment in general.  Maybe I’d be happier if my main goal in life wasn’t to find one perfect husband for me—maybe its something else?

Enter: Polyamory.

This article brings up some pretty interesting points about this lifestyle. This is my favorite paragraph:

“It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view."… But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad."

I think this year is going to be a good time for me to look at an option like polyamory.  Ultimately, I don’t think one person can really satisfy me, because I know I am constantly changing.  So why has society made me obsessed with finding one person who’s supposed to love me even if I change into a different person than who I was when I first began dating them?  Or maybe they change… whatever the reason, societies pressure to make us commit to one person is what has killed every good relationship I’ve ever had… and I think this year is a good time to say screw that noise.

I’ve recently agreed to go out with a man who describes himself as polyamorous.  Not only is he polyamorous, but he’s getting his masters in counseling specifically looking at polyamorous personalities.  I’ve got questions galore for this guy, especially the question as to how open you should be with the people you begin seeing.  I hope this meeting pans out, because I feel the answers he will give me may help me understand more about the lifestyle. 

For day 18, I’m making myself happy by challenging societal pressure and contemplating embracing a polyamorous lifestyle…  But I say contemplate because I still have to do my research.  More to come later.

Day 15-- Courage!

So I’ve been pretty bad this week about updating my blog, but nothing too dramatic or happy has really happened.  I’ve been very busy with work and going out with friends and other dates, so I was waiting for something a little more substantial to happen before I posted.  Last night, I returned to Gloria’s with a new group of friends.  This time, there were cute men all over that club (I’m not sure why they decided to go this weekend and not last, Rude hotties of Dallas, Rude.) 

I’ve always had a problem with dance clubs.  I always want to dance with people, but oftentimes I am never brave enough to approach and ask a guy to dance.  I am not really sure why, but the thought of someone saying no to me always rubbed me the wrong way. 

Besides, I always had a boyfriend whenever I went out to the club, so dancing with some random stranger was just something I was not going to do.  Instead, I’d happily dance with my friends, or guys that would approach me, and while that was fine I always wondered what it would be like to spend the night dancing with who I wanted to dance with. 

Girls are so funny because so many of us waste so much time settling for the guys who get up the courage to come to us.  Usually, they are not as cute or intriguing as the guys we really want, but for whatever reason we never are brave enough to talk to these guys, and by default dance with the guys that sparkle less. 

Well, yesterday I decided I was going to go out and dance with the guys I wanted to dance with. 

No more was I going to be worried about if someone would say no, because in the end, if someone doesn’t want to dance with me that doesn’t mean I’m flawed in some way.  Maybe that’s the problem.  People are so concerned that someone denying them the simple act of a dance is saying they are not a cool, interesting, beautiful, great person.  Wise up people—if you know that you are all those things and more, why worry about if someone is going to say no?  It’s just not a biggie.

Last night, one of the guys I asked to dance did say no, but way more said yes.  I went after all different types of guys, even dancing with the hottest black man I’ve ever seen in my life.  It felt great!  It wasn’t dramatic, it wasn’t something where I tried to have a deep conversation with them or get their numbers or whatever—I just spent five minutes of my night getting twirled and spun by some of the hottest men in that Salsa club.

And there’s nothing that makes a girl happier than getting twirled.  

Day 11-- Exercise!

I've decided that the cold fails at life.  Seriously, it totally makes me not want to do anything but sit around and watch reruns of Law and Order.  Motivating myself to go work out today was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while.  But after layering myself in a billion sweaters and sweatshirts, I decided to bare the cold and go.  I go to classes at the gym-- the group exercise classes.  I try to go three times a week, rotating between different dance classes.  I love these classes but today's class was my favorite.  There are so many different ethnicities, ages, shapes, and personalities in my Zumba class. 

Going to this class always makes me smile a lot.  Not only do I get to improve on my Latin dance moves (which really, really need improvement), but its the only point during my week I just get to shake myself as hard and fast as I can for no reason other than getting thin.  And I really, really want to continue to be thin, so I shake what my momma gave me and have a blast while doing it.  It's so funny to see the other people by me.  Some of the ladies commit as hard as I am and roll their hips like Shakira taught them too.  Other girls are so reserved; scared to fully believe they are allowed to move like that.

What causes the discrepancy in these two types of women?  Why do some girls feel like they can't go balls to the wall crazy in Zumba class?  What stops them from really feeling the music and trying as hard as they can to shake it?  Are they worried about someone looking at them like their crazy?  I dono, for me, Zumba class is one of the highlights of my week because I get to be my crazy self in a room full of strangers and no one judges me for it.  In fact, my teacher encourages it.

So today to make me happy, I shook and let my She-Wolf out.  

Day 8, 9, 10— Positive Pays Off

 After dealing with a lot of things this past week, I told myself to not be mad or upset about what was going on in my life and instead convinced myself to stay positive.  So, I filled the weekend with as many fun things as I could imagine.  On Friday, I had a relaxed night where such epic topics such as The Secret were discussed.

The Secret is an interesting phenomenon.  While I’m still not sure I believe in it, the writer of The Secret brings up some really valid points about how to live your life.  One of the Peruvian princesses in my life told me a quote that lazy Friday night that really helped me understand how I needed to feel after the bad news I received.

“How you feel in any one moment is more important than anything else, because how you feel right now is creating your life.”

Seems simple enough.  And after hearing this quotation, I realized that I needed to totally embrace this ideology and stop being pestered by this small detail in my life that wasn’t perfect.  I decided then and there that I needed to create my own positivity and it certainly was accomplished.

On Saturday, my most fierce and fabulous best friend and my Peruvians Princesses spent the evening being extra fierce at a Salsa dancing club. 

You know, there really is nothing better than spending the night drinking and dancing with your best friends.  For whatever reason, even though there was no fineeee man as far as you could see, I didn’t really care.  Sure, I would have loved to get swept off my feet by some Latin Sex Fox, but sometimes the cosmos says you need to be happy being with people that love you and only want to see you happy.  And that’s what we did.

Sunday was also a positive night.  I was asked out on a date and had an amazing time.  While it’s difficult to have to articulate to someone exactly what’s going on in my life with this whole ‘Single Quest’, especially the rules to it--- I have to say, it makes for some very interesting conversation.  It allows you to explore someone’s entire philosophy on relationships and it helps me understand more about how male’s view relationships in general. 

Everything this weekend seriously was so wonderful.  But why did positivity pay of this weekend? Well, today I went to play Bingo with my sister (Note: Yes, I do regularly play Bingo, don’t hate!) and I won a hundred dollars.

Therefore, Positive= Payday.

:)